Self Help (Literally)

I’ve had enough of all this.

“You know, when I first talked to you, I thought you were cold”.
“It’s the whole self-assurance thing. It comes off as dismissive. You need to work on your ‘people’ skills”.
“Seriously, to the unacquainted, you do come off as cold. When you’re walking around school, you always look like you’re pissed off with the people around you.”
“You’re sort of an anti-social, you know. Really.”

WHAT?! But I’m nice. I like to smile. I like to laugh. I’m a happy person, mostly. And I like people. I really do. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

How To Get Rid Of Your Inner (or is it really ‘Outer’) “Cold Hard Bitch”

1. Stop screaming and/or grouching at people who walk slowly.
It’s not their fault they have horrible groin injuries. No… nor is it their fault they like to saunter and take their time. Or do butt-clenching exercises while walking.
Repeat after me: NOT…THEIR… FAULT. Just overtake them without shooting them evil glances.

2. Start building a good relationship with your mother.
I’m serious. Forgive and forget. John Mayer was right and wrong – “Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers, so mothers, be good to your daughters too”. Mothers should be good to their daughter; that is true. But it’s a two-way street, man. It’s a two-way street. Remember, she’s been through a lot. So forgive her if her voice sounds nasal and feels like she’s trying to wither a plant a few hundred metres away. Or if she looks like she has a frown permanently sewn onto her forehead. It’s not her fault. Easier said than done, but remember, anger is a weakness, and you’re only angry if you allow yourself to be angry. Now repeat that 21 times.

3. Every time you pass an acquaintance, one you’re not too fond of, think of 3 good things to say about them.
That’ll take enough time to stopper all the bitchy thoughts flooding in.

4. Stop being cynical or you’ll never get laid.
Not every guy is an asshole. Just because your dad is one - trust me, he is, long story short, he cheated on my mother and had a baby with the Other Woman, and attempted to forge the marriage certificate, and now sends roses to my mother after they’re divorced, saying ‘Like I promised 20 years ago, I will send you roses on this special day’, pretending to be the romantic man he’s not – does not mean they all are.

5. Stop being pessimistic and doubt whether this will work.
“It will. Trust me.”
“Trust you?! Pfft. Like that last time when you said tampons are totally comfortable?”
“Well, it’s not my fault that-”

OKAY! That will be enough for today.
Until next time, when we’ll be dealing with your (my) neurosis.